Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
