She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
