i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
