Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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