I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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