oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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