I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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