I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
