I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just invented taco cereal.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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