sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
