just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
