yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
