"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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