Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
