Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
