just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
