why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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