i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
