I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
