ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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