So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it hurts more in the daytime
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
