sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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