I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
