Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
