Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
