I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
