He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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