My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
