I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We had to coat check the pizza.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
