i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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