Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
