Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
