i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Redeem this text for a blowjob
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
