everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize