Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
