yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
