i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize