I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
