I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His hands were made for my vagina.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
