So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
