he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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