worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
