I wish I could teleport
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
