yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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