would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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