I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
