You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
