i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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