He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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