i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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