Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize