I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yo dont text me then not text me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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