I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
