You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
