when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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