I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
