The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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