I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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